Opposites Attract
by That Guy Who Ships Niff
Summary: Kurt finds himself in an alternate universe where everyone is an opposite: Blaine is straight and dating Brittany, Sebastian pursues Santana, Sam is an honor student, etc. Kurt soon discovers that the only way to return home is to make everything the way it's supposed to be, which sounds easier than it really is.
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N**_: This is probably the most original idea I've had in a long time. And it's so hilarious.

* * *

I sat in Glee club as Finn, Rachel, Quinn, Sam, and Blaine went over a song for Regionals. Apparently, it was the show choir committee's bright idea for the theme to be the 1970s and then Sam's suggestion that they do ABBA. Of course, Santana had a few snide remarks about how gay the '70s were before Rachel, in another of her attempts at standing up for me (like I need it), got into another argument with Santana. This one did not lead to Santana's usual attempts at Rachel's life, but it came pretty close. And so here the rest of us were, watching them sing "_Summer Night City_" and there was me, wishing that Blaine would sit down so I could mess with that gelled mess of hair of his. I love him to death and all, but sometimes I wonder how much the gel seeps through his scalp and messes with his brain.

"Kurt, what do you think?" A voice cut into my thoughts.

"Huh?" I muttered, looking up to find Rachel staring intently at me.

"I said, what do you think?" she said impatiently.

"It's…okay," I tried to smile, but Rachel narrowed her eyes at me and spun around.

"From the top!" she ordered. No one dared to argue. At this point, Rachel was in commando mode and would not let anything get in the way of us winning Nationals.

"Fucking A, Rachel's in one of her moods again," Joel said from behind me. I turned to look at him; Rory was sharing his iPod earbuds with him. "Quite frankly, I'd rather listen to the Jonas Brothers than the lot of them." I looked around the room: Mike and Tina were leaning on each other half-asleep, Quinn leaned over her chair to talk to Artie, Brittany and Santana were making out, and Sugar was texting.

"That does it!" Rachel screeched. I covered my ears and shut my eyes. Everyone looked up to see Rachel fuming. "Do you realize what is at stake here? It is the last year for some of us and it would be nice if we won Nationals!"

"Maybe if you and Gigantor didn't mack out onstage, we would've!" Santana quipped.

"And so the arguing begins…" Joel muttered.

Once the arguing had finally ceased (which took almost an hour), Rachel announced that she was going to sing something upbeat to get people in the mood. And once again, I felt like throwing up.

"_I don't think I need the reasons why I won't succeed_

_I haven't started_

_Let's get this show on the road_

_Let's make it obvious Eva Peron is off and rolling_

_I came from the people_

_They need to adore me…_"

Rachel sang. I stood up and walked out of the room. I couldn't take any more of Rachel's incessant bitching and songs that demanded attention.

"Kurt?" Blaine called after me. I closed my eyes to hold back tears at Blaine's slightly broken voice, but suddenly found myself lying on the floor.

* * *

I awoke, still on the floor. _Gee, what a great school_, I thought bitterly. _No one bothers to help people up anymore._ I sat up and rubbed my head. Either it was me or McKinley looked really different: the walls were no longer covered in pennants and whatnot, it was merely painted black. Standing up, I put a hand on a locker to steady myself.

"Oh my God, Kurt, are you okay?" A voice called out. I shook my head and found an arm around me. The little knife marks on the left arm told me immediately that it was Joel.

"Yeah, I-I'm fine," I stammered. "Joel, is that you?"

"Of course it is, Kurt. Who else could it be?" He sounded much more chipper than usual. I finally looked up and he was smiling brightly, which was new. Joel never smiled; at least, I've never seen him smile. "You look confused," he said. "Do you know where you are?"

"McKinley?" I mumbled, grabbing his shoulder to stay upright.

"Well, at least you haven't lost your memory," Joel chuckled. "Blaine! Brittany! I found him!" My heart sped up at the mention of Blaine. Maybe he could explain why Joel was all spry and not cynical like he usually is.

"Kurt, you know who I am, right?" he asked.

"Blaine Anderson, you're my boyfriend," I whispered. Blaine looked confused.

"I'm not gay, dude," he said. I froze. "Brittany's my girlfriend."

"Okay, what the hell is going on here? Since when are you straight? Since when is Brittany a brunette? Since when is Joel so fucking happy?"

"You don't need to swear, Kurt," Tina's voice put in. She was wearing a yellow dress and had her hair up in a bun.

"Kurt, did you have a concussion? You should go to a consultant and have it surveyed." Sam walked over and took Tina's hand, squeezing it gently. _When did Sam use big words?_ I wondered on top of everything else.

"Come on, Santana, I know you like me back!" Another voice called out. Santana, now with long blonde hair, ran past the small gathering. The shout came from none other than Sebastian Smythe, who looked so much different out of his Dalton uniform. "Man, why is she so hard to catch?" he complained. He spotted me. "Oh, hey, Kurt," he said, smiling.

"What are you doing here?" I looked back at him, blinking rapidly.

"I go here, duh," he replied.

"You go to Dalton and you're gay. You spent most of the year chasing Blaine," I said.

"Kurt, I'm straight and Blaine, you're hot, no homo. Thing is, I want Santana Lopez, but she just won't listen!" Sebastian took off after Santana again. I followed the others back to the choir room where I saw what was probably the most shocking out of all of this crazy.

"I love you," Mr. Schue said, but he wasn't talking to Ms. Pillsbury.

"I love you too, William," Coach Sylvester replied, kissing Mr. Schue.

"Oh. Sweet. Vuitton."

* * *

_**Songs featured**_:

"_Rainbow High_" (from _Evita_) - Rachel


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N**_: This is so much fun to write. I have it all planned out and how it's all going to end. Until then, enjoy!

* * *

"Okay, what's next?" I threw my hands in the air and turned away from the disturbed display of Mr. Schue and Coach Sylvester.

"Hey, Kurt," two voices said. Walking past me were two boys in black shirts and pants; from what I could tell, one of them was a blond who dyed his hair black.

"No way," I whispered. "Nick? Jeff?" They turned to look at me; both were wearing black eye makeup. "You're emo now?"

"We have issues," Nick replied in a low voice.

"You had more issues before," I grumbled. "Let me just ask this: are you two still together?"

"Duh," Jeff said, taking Nick's hand.

"Well, at least that's the same." I shook my head. This must be some kind of weird dream.

"Kurt!" A very familiar voice shouted. I turned to suddenly find Rachel in my arms. She was dressed in a green shirt that read "Save the rainforest" and a beret she had obviously made herself out of leaves and grass. "You have to help us! They're going to cut down the old tree in front." She stomped her foot in a very Rachel-like way.

"Who is us?" I raised an eyebrow. Joel popped up next to her, wearing the same T-shirt and a huge grin.

"Come on, let's stand together in front of it," he exclaimed, grabbing both my and Rachel's hands and dragging us outside. Joel put his back up to the tree and began to sing. I felt like throwing up again once I recognized the song.

"_Birds flying high_

_In search of a big blue sky_

_While they're chopping down the trees below them_

_Come take a stand_

_And help us save the land_

_Let's go out and try to make it better_"

Rachel joined in.

"_And maybe we can make the world a whole lot brighter_

_We can make the load a little lighter_

_Everybody has to try together_

_Don't you know it's now or never?_"

I stood there, wishing I could go back to the real world.

"Hey, white boy." I was so grateful to hear Mercedes' voice, but then I saw what she was wearing and covered my mouth in shock. "Did the Lorax over there," she nodded to Joel, who was still singing, "drag you out here to speak for the trees?"

"Where did the love go?" I whispered, still staring at her outfit.

"Did you hear Supernova's latest cover?" she asked, pulling out her iPod.

"Who?" I was confused.

"Supernova, her real name is Sugar Motta, she's like the biggest thing right now," Mercedes explained. _Great_, I thought, _I fell into a world where the talentless are the fabulous._ "She covers _Rich Girl_ and it's _so_ much better than when Gwen Stefani did it."

"Where are Finn and Puck?" I wondered out loud.

"Shh, don't let anyone know you know them," Mercedes hissed. "They're nerds, remember?"

"Uh, no?" I looked at her.

"They gave up Glee club for that stupid Dungeons and Dragons club in the basement," she clarified.

"Hey, Madea, homo," a voice sneered. I did a double-take when I looked up to find Artie _walking_ by in a Letterman jacket with a bunch of jocks tailing him.

"Artie can walk?" I turned to Mercedes, who nodded.

"Uh, duh." Artie drew out the word for a few seconds and smirked at me. "Now out of the way, homo," he ordered, pushing me to one side. I swatted his hands away and he looked at me in astonishment.

"Guys, did Hummel just push me?" he asked calmly, turning to his fellow jocks, who nodded. Artie shoved me against the brick wall and shook his head. "You don't know what you just did, do you?"

"I know you're a huge douchebag in this world," I shot back. The other jocks "ooh-ed" and Artie chuckled.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Hummel? First you fight back, which is a first, and you're talking about some other world. Did all that butt sex rattle your brain?"

"Having anal sex has nothing to do with my brain, you idiot," I scoffed. "You're a nice guy, Artie, and a smart one at that, but this…this part of you I'm seeing right now is a complete dumbass." He slammed his hand against the wall and I flinched.

"Be glad I'm in a forgiving mood, Hummel. I should beat the gay out of you right now," he whispered, his face a few inches from mine. I tried to keep my mouth shut until Artie moved away. He did and waved a hand, his friends following him.

"Wow, Kurt, where did all that bravado come from?" Sebastian asked, walking over, hand-in-hand with Santana.

"I'm…oh my…" I saw the two holding hands and swallowed. "You finally got her, huh?"

"Yep," Sebastian grinned. "Right, San?"

"He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'no', so I'm just playing along." She winked to me.

"You look good as a blonde," I mused, watching her ponytail bounce. "It's just like Britt as a brunette. Where's Quinn, by the way?"

"Ugh, don't mention that bible-thumping twat," Santana groaned. "She's been very high and mighty, marching around campus handing out bibles like crack and telling everyone they're going to hell."

"Hey, Lopez, what's your wig made of?" A jock called out.

"Your mom's chest hair!" she retorted.

"_Mean Girls_, much?" I muttered.

"Hey, guys, Mr. Schue called a mandatory Glee club meeting," Sam called from the second story window.

"Coming!" Santana called back.

"So am I," Sebastian whispered.

* * *

"Everybody, Coach Sylvester and I have a huge announcement," Mr. Schue said once everyone had settled. "I think this is best expressed through song, don't you think, Sue?" I don't think I'd ever seen Coach Sylvester smile so genuinely.

"_Baby, pick your head up_

_Come on and look me in the face_

_Cuz I can tell that somethin'_

_Is bringin' you down_

_Is it the rumor_

_That another boy_

_Wants to take your place?_

_Have you been hearin' the stories?_

_They're goin' around_

_Baby, just remember I gave you my heart_

_Ain't no one gonna tear us apart_

_He could promise the moon_

_And the stars above_

_Even if he promised me the world_

_Just remember I'm forever your girl_

_He could promise the world_

_You gotta remember_"

Mr. Schue took the last line.

"_You're forever my girl._"

He bent down on one knee and opened a box. Everyone gasped and looked excited. "Susan Marie Sylvester, will you make me the happiest man in the world?"

"Yes, William, yes," she said, kissing him. The Glee club erupted in cheers. I sat, wishing I could go back.

* * *

_**Songs featured**_:

"_We Can Make the World a Whole Lot Better_" (The Brady Bunch) - Joel and Rachel

"_Forever Your Girl_" (Paula Abdul) - Sue and Will


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N**_: I'm actually giddy to see how you guys feel about this next chapter. Leave a review? Please?

* * *

I walked out of Glee club, still a little dazed from all the craziness. Mr. Schue's marrying Coach Sylvester? Artie's a douchey jock? Blaine's straight and dating Brittany? It was getting to be too much. I swear this demented world could not get any worse.

"Hey, watch it!" A voice snapped. I looked up to see Rory dressed in a red jumpsuit, much like the ones Coach Sylvester wore in reality. "Do you know how expensive this is?"

"Rory?" I whispered.

"How do you know my name? I have no idea who you are. By the way, what is up with your ensemble? Looks like you came out of a Village People reunion," Rory sneered.

"Look who's talking, Richard Simmons," I shot back.

"Excuse me? I am way more chic than that creepy bastard," he scoffed. "Now, if you'll be so nice as to get the hell out of my way, I have a solo to perform." Without another glance, the Irish boy sauntered away.

"You met Rory Flanagan?" Sam asked, coming over. I nodded, still dumbfounded by this new snarky Rory. "He's the school diva and, quite frankly, a total bitch." The hallway suddenly darkened and I turned to look at Sam, only to find a gruesome mask staring back at me.

"The only way to return to your reality," a deep voice said, "is to make everything the way it should be. If you do not succeed by the time the clock strikes midnight in one week's time, you will be stuck here forever." I blinked and everything was bright. Sam was still talking as though nothing had happened. "Kurt, are you okay?" he waved a hand in front of my face.

"Y-yeah, I'm f-fine," I stammered, running a hand through my hair. "I have to go, Sam. I'll talk to you later." I ran down the hall and found myself in the cafeteria where a group of guys in duct-taped glasses were playing a card game. I examined this closer and found that the group consisted of Finn, Puck, Karofsky, Scott Cooper, and Rick Nelson. "No way," I muttered, walking over.

"Hudson, that was fifty hit-points. Don't cheat your way out of this!" Puck exclaimed, grabbing a card from Finn's stack.

"Finn? Puck?"

"Hey, Kurt," Finn said, not looking up. "Burt said he wants you home early to help him with some stuff in the garage."

"Why don't you do it?" I asked; I was however feeling slightly comforted with the fact that we were still stepbrothers.

"Puck, Rick, and I are going to the comic book store," he replied, flipping through his deck. I opened my mouth to say something, but closed it and walked away.

Heading down the hallway, I stopped at the choir room, only to find Sebastian and Santana doing a duet.

"_You're on the phone with your boyfriend, he's upset_

_He's goin' off about somethin' that you said_

_'Cause he doesn't get your humor like I do_,"

Sebastian sang.

"_I'm in the room; it's a typical Tuesday night_

_I'm listenin' to the kind of music he doesn't like_

_And he'll never know my story like you do._"

Santana walked around Sebastian, smiling.

"_But he wears jerseys, I wear hoodies_

_He's the quarterback and I'm nothing but a loser_

_Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find_

_That what you're looking for has been there the whole time_

_If you could've seen the one who understands you_

_Been here all along, so why can't you have seen?_

_You belonged with me._

_You belonged with me._"

They kissed and I shook my head, still not used to the new heterosexual moves of either of them. How was I supposed to make them gay? Artie's supposed to be in a wheelchair, Sam's lack of intelligence, Finn and Puck to be jocks… How?

"Kurt!" A voice called. I groaned, hearing the running footsteps. "Where'd you go? Come on! They're gonna cut down the tree!" Joel whined, grabbing my arm.

"Let go, Joel. Why aren't you bitching about how your parents hate you and how the world sucks?"

"I don't do that." He looked confused. "My parents are gone a lot, but that doesn't mean they hate me."

"Besides, you hate the environment. You're always going on about how they should cut down trees and put in more shopping malls." I remembered one particular rant of his that quickly escalated into a very heated argument with Rachel.

Joel looked around and sighed heavily. "Fine, I'm not an environmentalist. I just want to get close to Rachel. She's so hot, especially when she wears those short skirts."

"Okay, unneeded mental image." I covered my face.

"What's up, Hummel?" I heard the familiar sound of football cleats on the tile and turned to face Azimio and a couple other jocks. I swallowed and waited for the locker slam, but they were patting me on the back.

"Nice touchdown on Friday," one of them said. "You're gonna lead us to another state championship."

"Why are you talking to Richardson?" another asked. "He's a fucking tree hugger."

"Hafferman, your jockstrap is supposed to protect your junk, not your brain," Joel shot back. The jock made a move towards Joel, who flinched.

"Fucking loser," Hafferman scoffed, walking away, followed by Azimio and the other guy.

"Pricks," he muttered. "I don't know why you hang out with them, Kurt." I was lost for words. I'm the quarterback for the football team? This really is an alternate universe. Joel eventually walked away and I continued down the hall, looking for more signs of how much I've missed after I got knocked out.

In the cafeteria were Blaine and Brittany. I felt lost without him by my side and watched as the two of them had a rather intelligent conversation about Congress. Something slammed onto the table in front of me; it was a Bible.

"Kurt Hummel, repent your sins and take the word of God!" Quinn exclaimed, raising her hands above her head. She was wearing a white hooded dress; I had a very bad feeling that I know what she uses that hood for.

"Okay, this doesn't surprise me so much," I mumbled. In reality, Quinn was a Catholic, but this: a ranting, raving zealot who may well be a member of some demented modern-day KKK was new.

"The Good Book can save you from the Rapture!" Quinn continued raging. I rolled my eyes and walked out before I bumped into someone.

"Sorry," I said hastily, grabbing the fallen books.

"No harm done, hot stuff." That voice was familiar and I flushed. "Gee, nice to see you too. You don't look as excited to see your boyfriend." I looked up to see Jesse St. James' trademark smirk. _Boyfriend?!_

* * *

**_Songs featured_**:

"_You Belonged with Me_" (a warped duet version of the Taylor Swift song) - Sebastian and Santana


	4. Chapter 4

_**A/N**_: Slightly shorter than the others and with more songs, but this just makes me laugh so hard.

* * *

"What's wrong, Kurt?" Jesse asked, looking worried. "You look pale. You can't be sick. There's a game on Friday. We're _so_ close to another championship."

"Jesse, I'm fine," I told him, awkwardly patting his shoulder. The curly-haired brunet relaxed and hugged me. I stiffened. He kissed my cheek gently.

"I love you, Kurt," he whispered. "I don't know what I would do without you."

"Love you too," I mumbled, glancing around. Some passerby spotted us and smiled like Jesse and I were the cutest couple in the world. Even though Jesse St. James of all people was my boyfriend in this universe, I felt slightly better knowing that people were more accepting.

"Do you want to go to Glee club?" he asked, his blue eyes dancing excitedly. "I want to sing to you."

"Okay." I tried to sound excited but ended up sounding lame, but Jesse didn't notice as he pulled me down the hallway.

"Mr. Schue! Miss Sylvester! I want to sing to Kurt! Is that okay?" _Damn_, I thought, _he's so loud. I wouldn't be surprised if he was really as egotistical as his real self._ Mr. Schue nodded and Jesse moved towards the piano.

"Oh, God, _please_ do not let him sing again!" A voice moaned. I looked around to see Rory sitting between Sam and Tina.

"You're one to talk, Flanagan!" Jesse snapped and cleared his throat.

"_You know you love me_

_I know you care_

_Just shout whenever and I'll be there_

_You want my love_

_You want my heart_

_And we will never ever, ever be apart_"

I felt like throwing myself off a cliff. Not only was he singing Justin Bieber, but his voice was so outrageously off-key I would seriously bury myself just to get away from it.

"_And I was like baby, baby, baby, oh_

_Like baby, baby, baby, no_

_Like baby, baby, baby, oh_

_I thought you'd always be mine_

_Baby, baby, baby, oh_

_Like baby, baby, baby, no_

_Like baby, baby, baby, oh_

_I thought you'd always be mine_

"I love you, Kurt." Jesse was on his knees in front of me.

"Gag me," Rory muttered. Jesse stood up and faced the Irish boy.

"Shove your diva bitchiness down your fucking throat, Flanagan, before I make you eat it," he threatened. Rory snorted, stood up, and shoved Jesse. I inserted myself between them before a fight could break out. I looked at Mr. Schue, who was too busy making kissy faces with Sue to even notice.

"Guys, come on," Sam interjected. "We can mend our disputes without resorting to physical confrontation. That's what words are for."

"That's my man," Tina said admiringly. A door slam made everyone flinch and look up.

"It's Britney, bitches, and she got a song to sing to her man, Blaine," Brittany announced. Blaine grinned and kissed her lightly on the lips before moving to sit down. Brittany stood in the center of the room and began to sing.

"_You tell me you're in love with me_

_Like you can't take your pretty eyes away from me_

_It's not that I don't want to stay_

_But every time you come too close I move away_

_I wanna believe in everything that you say_

_'Cause it sounds so good_

_But if you really want me, move slow_

_There's things about me you just have to know_

_Sometimes I run, sometimes I hide_

_Sometimes I'm scared of you_

_But all I really want is hold you tight_

_Treat you right_

_Be with you day and night_

_Baby, all I need is time_"

Blaine stood up and took Brittany's hands, smiling.

"_When the rain is blowing in your face_

_And the whole world is on your case_

_I could offer you a warm embrace_

_To make you feel my love_

_When the evening shadows_

_And the stars appear_

_And there is no one there_

_To dry your tears_

_I could hold you for a million years_

_To make you feel my love_

"I love you, Britt," Blaine whispered.

"Love you too, Blainers," she giggled and kissed him to the whoops of the Glee club. I sunk in my seat, wondering how the hell I'm supposed to make either of them gay.

"Santana, wait for me!" I heard Sebastian complain. Santana ran into the room, her blonde ponytail bobbing behind her.

"God, he is so clingy," she muttered to me, taking the open seat next to me. "I cannot believe I said yes to him."

"I heard you two singing earlier," I said slyly. She blushed and looked away. I liked this Santana: I mean, I do love her bitchy attitude, but this embarrassed, easy-to-tease Santana was great.

"Kurt…" Sebastian moaned. "Can I sit next to Santana?" I smirked and didn't move. "Kurt…come on." Now what I really love is this Sebastian. I decided not to say anything about the rock salt slushie and watched him stand in front of me, pouting.

"Don't let him sit. Make him suffer," Santana whispered. I looked at her, she was grinning. I sighed dramatically and leaned back in the chair.

"Kurt, I'm nonviolent, but if you don't move…"

"You'll what, Smythe? Hit me? You'll have the entire school on your meerkat face if you do," I chuckled. Sebastian frowned and pushed Blaine out of the chair next to Santana.

"Dude, Sebastian, come on!" Blaine whined.

"Shut up, Blaine. Blame Kurt," Sebastian shot back; he put an arm around Santana, who rolled her eyes and looked at me tiredly.

"Blainey Bear, come sit with me," Brittany called. Blaine grinned and hopped over the chair to his girlfriend.

"Goddamn it," I muttered.

* * *

_**Songs featured**_:

"_Baby_" (Justin Bieber featuring Ludacris) - Jesse

"_Sometimes_"/"_Make You Feel My Love_" (Britney Spears/Adele cover of Bob Dylan) - Brittany and Blaine


End file.
